Holy Cross School Trinity Park eNewsletter

FROM THE PRINCIPAL'S DESK

Dear Holy Cross Parents and Carers,

A dear friend of mine recently had the pleasure of welcoming a litter of puppies into her home. Despite the inevitable chaos they cause with their sharp pointy teeth and relentless desire to attack and play, they melt the hearts of all who see them (even when the puppies consume the occasional shoe). I truly believe there is no sight more capable of bringing out the ‘soft-side’ of people, than witnessing a litter of fluffy puppies at play, tumbling over one another as they engage in puppy combat.

So, why does our ‘soft side’ fade ever so quickly when we see our children engaged in sibling rivalry or perhaps more aptly termed, ‘sibling combat’? The myth that our children should naturally get along, be fun-loving, and supportive of one another is absolutely not true! Replacing this myth was the dawning realisation that children are not naturally inclined this way, and that conflict is normal and universal, as is conflict amongst all creatures that live together. If sibling conflict is universal and found in normal homes, it must have a purpose.

Perhaps the principal purpose is to teach our children about conflict resolution. Now that we are adults, we have forgotten that we fought our way through childhood and adolescence, developing skills that now help us resolve conflicts in an effective and civil manner. When children engage in conflict with parents, they are learning how to deal with authority. Sibling conflict is dealing with peers and learning how to relate to them properly; this prepares them to relate well with their friends and, later on, with their partners and spouses.

Another purpose is to learn that life is not always fair; this is an important lesson but can often be a bitter experience. Slowly but surely, we learn that there is someone who can do better than we can, someone who is richer, or someone who is quicker at getting promotion; the fact is that life is full of inequities. We first learn that everything is not evenly distributed with our siblings. However, there is some good news: some studies have shown that siblings who engage in many conflicts are also the ones most likely to be cooperative, share, be affectionate, and support each other.

Many experts in children’s behaviour, regard sibling conflict as a type of training ground for what people can expect to experience as they grow towards adulthood. As parents, we cannot expect to eliminate all conflicts from our children’s relationships both within and outside our family; even so, we can take steps to eliminate jealousy and excessive competition. We can, if we put our minds to it, use our children’s relationships to help them grow into healthy normal adults.

Understanding our children’s individual temperaments will play a big role in how they get along together. Avoiding comparisons of accomplishments and recognising that for some, a task or ambition is harder to achieve, can be important tools for us to use. Likewise, taking time to treat each child as a separate person with his or her own unique, valuable skills will help build respect all around.

As the mother of two very feisty teenagers, I have learnt that the most important thing for all parents to do for their children, is to take good care of themself. If we are feeling down and our tank is empty, we are more reactive to our children rather than mindful of their needs. And we need to be fully charged and firing on all cylinders if we are to turn conflicts into learning opportunities for our children however old they might be. Sometimes those puppies do look easier and more enjoyable to deal with!

Peace and love always,

Sarah Hamilton
PRINCIPAL